Warning: run-on sentences ahoy. Excuse me while I be all emo and shit.
This is so stupid. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is PMS-related, and possibly self-inflicted-stress related, but here I am on a lovely Sunday morning, crying and feeling utterly inadequate. And it's stupid, because I have a good life. Sure there is room for improvement, and the stress is due to my being a terrible procrastinator, but generally... I have a loving fiancé, and adorable cat, and I get to live in a big house by the beach all year long.
I don't have any friends here. While I'm not a social butterfly, the fact is that outside of Alan, his son & son's new gf, I don't gt a lot of social interaction outside of online. And I just feel kind of useless, that I have a sort of social phobia that makes it hard for me to generate contacts and friendship in person. It's not even like my first year of uni where I lived in a hall of 12 girls and not a single one was my friend. I like my housemates... ok, I love Alan and tolerate Joe and don't know Kayla all that well yet but she seems nice enough. I just don't have anyone outside of that who lives in walking distance that I can go out and visit when I get sick of the house and crave human company that isn't Alan. I'm weird and geeky and I wouldn't know the first place to find other weird and geeky people like me to hang out with.
I even lurk a lot online, it takes a lot for me to reach out to those not in my tight circle of close online friends. It's just... I feel like the dorky kid who doesn't know how to interact with the other kids, or the weird kid who's years younger and kinda dresses shabby and follows the others around like a puppy, like I'm the kid only just now discovering the fad the other kids have been obsessing over for months, or goes on and on about something so niche the other kids have never heard of it... Fuck I spend so much time in my own headspace and I'm great fucking company but gets lonely sometimes and I try to get out of my shell and reach out to other people and I forget that just because I'm doing something that utterly terrifies me, the other person doesn't know that. It's unreasonable and irrational for me to expect them to give me the time and attention I want but I still hope and obsess and am either overjoyed (and thinking up some new trick to maintain their attention like a fucking puppy) or disappointed by the (lack of) response I get (and I can't tell them because I have to remember I'm not the fucking centre of their universe (nor should I be)).
And now here I am crying my fucking heart out because I'm PMSing and lonely and just yesterday I couldn't wait for Alan to be gone so I could rock out to my new CD. I know this feeling will pass but right the fuck now I feel inadequate and stupid for crying over this shit.
This is so stupid. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is PMS-related, and possibly self-inflicted-stress related, but here I am on a lovely Sunday morning, crying and feeling utterly inadequate. And it's stupid, because I have a good life. Sure there is room for improvement, and the stress is due to my being a terrible procrastinator, but generally... I have a loving fiancé, and adorable cat, and I get to live in a big house by the beach all year long.
I don't have any friends here. While I'm not a social butterfly, the fact is that outside of Alan, his son & son's new gf, I don't gt a lot of social interaction outside of online. And I just feel kind of useless, that I have a sort of social phobia that makes it hard for me to generate contacts and friendship in person. It's not even like my first year of uni where I lived in a hall of 12 girls and not a single one was my friend. I like my housemates... ok, I love Alan and tolerate Joe and don't know Kayla all that well yet but she seems nice enough. I just don't have anyone outside of that who lives in walking distance that I can go out and visit when I get sick of the house and crave human company that isn't Alan. I'm weird and geeky and I wouldn't know the first place to find other weird and geeky people like me to hang out with.
I even lurk a lot online, it takes a lot for me to reach out to those not in my tight circle of close online friends. It's just... I feel like the dorky kid who doesn't know how to interact with the other kids, or the weird kid who's years younger and kinda dresses shabby and follows the others around like a puppy, like I'm the kid only just now discovering the fad the other kids have been obsessing over for months, or goes on and on about something so niche the other kids have never heard of it... Fuck I spend so much time in my own headspace and I'm great fucking company but gets lonely sometimes and I try to get out of my shell and reach out to other people and I forget that just because I'm doing something that utterly terrifies me, the other person doesn't know that. It's unreasonable and irrational for me to expect them to give me the time and attention I want but I still hope and obsess and am either overjoyed (and thinking up some new trick to maintain their attention like a fucking puppy) or disappointed by the (lack of) response I get (and I can't tell them because I have to remember I'm not the fucking centre of their universe (nor should I be)).
And now here I am crying my fucking heart out because I'm PMSing and lonely and just yesterday I couldn't wait for Alan to be gone so I could rock out to my new CD. I know this feeling will pass but right the fuck now I feel inadequate and stupid for crying over this shit.
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