...

Sep. 16th, 2012 11:47 am
xans: I don't speak Pathetic Bastard (Shoebox)
And then to pop onto twitter to find one of my favourite authors had tweeted this link: http://dduane.tumblr.com/post/31618277059/singularitytheorem-stop-scrolling-hi-im

*sobbing*

Isolation

Sep. 16th, 2012 10:33 am
xans: Xans (Death at a Party)
Warning: run-on sentences ahoy. Excuse me while I be all emo and shit.

This is so stupid. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is PMS-related, and possibly self-inflicted-stress related, but here I am on a lovely Sunday morning, crying and feeling utterly inadequate. And it's stupid, because I have a good life. Sure there is room for improvement, and the stress is due to my being a terrible procrastinator, but generally... I have a loving fiancé, and adorable cat, and I get to live in a big house by the beach all year long.

I don't have any friends here. While I'm not a social butterfly, the fact is that outside of Alan, his son & son's new gf, I don't gt a lot of social interaction outside of online. And I just feel kind of useless, that I have a sort of social phobia that makes it hard for me to generate contacts and friendship in person. It's not even like my first year of uni where I lived in a hall of 12 girls and not a single one was my friend. I like my housemates... ok, I love Alan and tolerate Joe and don't know Kayla all that well yet but she seems nice enough. I just don't have anyone outside of that who lives in walking distance that I can go out and visit when I get sick of the house and crave human company that isn't Alan. I'm weird and geeky and I wouldn't know the first place to find other weird and geeky people like me to hang out with.

I even lurk a lot online, it takes a lot for me to reach out to those not in my tight circle of close online friends. It's just... I feel like the dorky kid who doesn't know how to interact with the other kids, or the weird kid who's years younger and kinda dresses shabby and follows the others around like a puppy, like I'm the kid only just now discovering the fad the other kids have been obsessing over for months, or goes on and on about something so niche the other kids have never heard of it... Fuck I spend so much time in my own headspace and I'm great fucking company but gets lonely sometimes and I try to get out of my shell and reach out to other people and I forget that just because I'm doing something that utterly terrifies me, the other person doesn't know that. It's unreasonable and irrational for me to expect them to give me the time and attention I want but I still hope and obsess and am either overjoyed (and thinking up some new trick to maintain their attention like a fucking puppy) or disappointed by the (lack of) response I get (and I can't tell them because I have to remember I'm not the fucking centre of their universe (nor should I be)).

And now here I am crying my fucking heart out because I'm PMSing and lonely and just yesterday I couldn't wait for Alan to be gone so I could rock out to my new CD. I know this feeling will pass but right the fuck now I feel inadequate and stupid for crying over this shit.

Emo

Mar. 17th, 2012 07:20 pm
xans: Xans (Nude)
Feeling so unmotivated to do either household chores or actually organise my wedding. Wish I had a job but I keep not applying for those either, so only myself to blame there. Don't even want to think about the possibility of going back to my studies (or starting new ones).

There's nothing wrong with my life as it is, it's just... I should be doing more with my life and I'm not. And that makes me sad, angry, and disappointed with myself.
xans: Xans (Bees)
Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] peaseblossom03 for helping me this morning. Three hours of sleep, and I woke up to find myself in another, deeper low than before, and lying in bed with my thoughts was a Bad Plan. I'm grateful that someone (particularly someone that has dealt with depression) was online for me to talk to, even if it was more to distract me out ofmy thoughts than discuss them in detail. It's exactly what I needed, and I thank her for that (again).

I'm thinking my next course of action should be to pick some happy, upbeat music and listen to it as I take a walk, soon as the sun's up a little more. I figure I'll crash to sleep later in the day, provided the brats aren't too rambunctious. I can always take an early night, once they're gone though. But first I'll try and finish the rest of this soup.

Fin.

Bite me.

Apr. 15th, 2007 12:36 am
xans: Xans (Flirt)
Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all--
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Well, I was feeling fairly down. I kinda got dumped earlier this week. Even though it was not anything I did (or didn't do), I still felt like a failure and while, in my head I know I'm still all sorts of pretty, I feel like I'm undesireable. Just because I was rejected by one guy... *shakes head* And I mentally kick myself every time I find I'm hyperaware of his presense, and what he's wearing, and what he smells like. *sighs* It's pathetic. We were maybe a month of some hanging out and sexxin', and it wasn't anything serious. Still, getting ditched sucks.

Anyway, was feeling down. I have Matt to thank for my lighter mood. He kinda distracted me by having us play Vampire: The Masquerade again, working and an old, old story arc involving my character Titia and his character Aaron. They were both spawned by the same vampire (now deceased) and there was a lovely situation he threw them into. Anyway, it was quite a delight to reread the old transcripts of our game, better to recall details to continue onwards. And thus, we had another fine session furthering their story. *grins* (V^^^V) <----I still remember [livejournal.com profile] thisimpleman teaching me that as he seduced me into the world of vampires. Yes, Judah, I blame you for getting me onto my vampire fixation. I got yelled at--well, capslocked at--for not remembering Anne Rice's name, the first time I read Interview With the Vampire. *snerk*

And that's all for now.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Flirt)
Today I chatted on MSN with an old friend, a friend who walked away from what we had, because it was too painful to bear, too close a reminder of what he once had, and lost. I was saddened because, despite how much he monumentally screwed up, she's okay (I'd go so far to say, she's better than okay), and her and my friendship still stands, and his and mine could have (should have, would have) carried on, so long as she was not a constant topic of conversation. (If that had been the case, I would have dropped him like third period French.)

But he made the decision, and it was he who subsequently reconnected with me on a handful of occasions since then, until, finally, now, we have spoken once again. And it's nice. He's one of my best (and damn near only) male friends. And sure, sometimes his morbid self-loathing and self-flagellation can get on my nerves. But I can and will tell him to STFU if it's getting to be too much. And we have such delightful conversations about all manner of things from various sci-fi/fantasy movies, tv shows, and books, to RPGs (he has been and always will be my DM), to history and war tactics... it's great. I've missed it, and so, he's come to realise, has he.

He's my friend, and we've had some rough patches before. But he's got nothing on the drama-llama-dactyl that [livejournal.com profile] pandoras_evil_t and I have been through over the years. Oh, the stories she could tell. :D

I'm glad to have my friend back, for however long it may be this time.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Flirt)
So, Bones last night? Someone, please tell me where to find caps of Booth as he's giving Brennan the little pig. Also, why do serial killers have to look so damn good?! Eppes=Hotness. Damn.

As for Heroes, have I mentioned just how utterly adorable I find Hiro? 'Cause he's so adorable. And also, the eye thing, when Isaac and then Peter do the precog painting stuff? V. v. cool.

I feel so moody right now. Up and down, sometimes I feel great and other times I can't seem to stop crying. I lack motivation to do anything, particularly involving food. And I know that's a bad thing, because if I don't eat I get depressed, and when I get depressed I don't eat, thus furthering the cycle of badness. Damnit.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Emo Song)
[livejournal.com profile] pandoras_evil_t's brother attempted to off himself yesterday by overdosing on painkillers. It's an awful shock, and I'm glad he didn't succeed. I mean, while he can be a severe pain in the ass and a right bother for Ange and her mum, he's a teenage boy. They're supposed to be awfully frustrating. I remember how much I used to despise Iain. Now he's a decent human being, and we get along great.

I also gave myself a godawful headache yesterday, getting far too passionately involved with fictional characters. And the horrible shit happening to them. *weeps* The only possible explanation that I subject myself to such emotional torment over a fantasy series is that clearly I am a masochist.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Emo Song)
The curse is back, as it's wont to when I (once again, thankfully) fail to get myself knocked up. Okay. I can deal with that. Have been relatively symptomless...unless depression of a sorts is a symptom. And I'm fucking cold 'cause it's fucking freezing out there and the goddamn wind that leaves me half numb. Quite generally put out with life, the universe, and everything at the moment. That will pass. Hopefully I'll be thawed out by then, or at least snuggled up with some warming liquids and another warm body, and... yeah. *think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts...*

Fin.

Edit: And somewhere in there I'll rediscover the ability to type properly, or at least proofread.

*sniffle*

Feb. 11th, 2006 05:22 pm
xans: Xans (Help)
It's a bad day when I'm playing a simple game and start crying when I make one silly little mistake.

Sad music doesn't improve the mood either.

It's a bad day.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Opinion noted)
If I see Anthony I am going to give him hell. That selfish, uncompromising, manipulative cunt. How dare he try to make her feel guilty?! Ass. Bloody fucking stupid cunthead. Stay away from Liz or I'll have your guts for garters. I'm not gonna let you fuck with her head.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Emoness)
Fuck you, Victoria. You didn't even notice it was me there. I was just another body meaning an entire table for eight was taken. Fuck you and your clique-yness that you don't even see me.

I've never felt so underestimated and underappreciated by a group of people than I am by that lot. I hate them. I hate them! Gyargh!!!!!

Fin.
xans: Xans (Default)
Not Talk or Other.

Am with [livejournal.com profile] diea that the ragged edges looks rather good.

I'm still kinda depressed. Mum's questions about how I am didn't help much. Dad's questions about my voting habits didn't help either. Bloody people CSI and NCIS now.

Convo between me and Sorcha, for my own reference )

Fin.
xans: Xans (Gay!Lupin)
It's overcast right now. The ground is wet, but it hasn't really been raining. Not anything torrential, at any rate. The weather lately has been pleasant. Sunny. Warm. I get up in the morning and open my windows to let in a breeze. Get distracted in the evenings and come home to a chilly room because I was online 'til late and handn't closed the windows and curtains. Oops. It's invariably warm in the computer labs, even with the fans going. So glad they installed those in the last month.
I hate my period for starting at such a time that my favourite pair of shorts were out of comission for a while. I hate that my sandals are all synthetic materials, so unlike leather sandals, they never break in, and leave me with sores on my feet from rubbing the skin wrong. I hate my closed shoes for giving me athlete's foot so I have to deal with that. It's a pleasure to walk around in shorts and bare feet. Except late at night when my feet are colder and more sensitive, so even slightly rough ground is uncomfortable. The old fear of slugs keeps me off the grass--even though there's nothing here like the ones back in WA. *shudders*
I'm just a little depressed right now. A little low. I feel like the other girls don't like me. I don't fit in. I wonder how much they realise I don't fit in. It's painful because they don't understand me, and they don't try to. They've got their cliques and close friendships. We can talk, but we're not friends. I miss having friends to do things with. Even if it's just watching movies. And playing the colours game. (They won't even try to learn the colours game--even though Annalise belches all the time) Playing Scum or Blewme (Bloomie? Solitaire Showdown. I saw someone playing that on MSN recently and missed our games).
I almost hate it when mum tells me what's been going on back home. Ha... home. But hearing about her and Gary and the cats, even the bloody insufferable racoons, it makes me miss it. I don't want to go back. I want to visit, but I don't want to go back. But I miss my friends and all that, too.
I need to remember to ask mum to get me some more knee high striped socks for Christmas. My red and white ones have got holes in the heels now. Sad.
Another reason I'd love to visit...

Last night I was chatting with Matt. Or rather, role-playing. It was rather spur of the moment. It was going by his idea of the chocaholic Myrdraal, and I was playing off of that. Already I've been trying to think of what my character looks like, where she must be from, and where she's been that she knows what she knows. I will have to further question Matt about any limitations as to what my character can do/be/know. Trying to refrain of Sue-dom. But it was very Wheel of Time. And so much fun. Especially when I began separating my thoughts from my character's thoughts.
Her name's Andra Liernan. I haven't figured her age. From clues from Matt, she must be rather attractive--after all, the two innkeeper's sons were both chasing after her mighty quick (and he was making pointed references to THEIR good looks and muscles, etc. oh, the drama!). Somehow she's made friends with a Myrdraal, her hidden protecter--who works for chocolate. Whee! In my mind I see her as someone with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Not pale, more olive skinned. On the shorter end of tall. Not dressed flamboyantly, but has wealth and probably appears to be maybe upper merchant class, or hell, she could possibly pass for low-ranking nobility.
We started out in Tel'aran'rhiod, the World of Dreams. So, with a bit of deft manipulation of said world, she carries a fair amound of wealth, as well as chocolate, and "necessities" which I left unspecified. At least one spare dress. :P And an overcoat. That's all I've got so far. Haven't thought of whether she has any other weapons beyond a knife. I haven't even decided if she has any weapon proficiency. I'll probably ask Matt if we're hammering out more stats and such.
It was fun to play and have backstory ideas come to me randomly. She started out as nothing. A nameless woman of unknowns. And they just began forming. It was great! And then, the honour of honours in my books: Matt asked if, whenever I visit in the States, we can play a WoT campaign with Andra and Derun'shael (a.k.a. the Stricken One a.k.a. Daryn) being NPCs. And that? That would be brilliant. I would love so much for the other players to meet these two... and then afterwards learn of their origins.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Away Laughing)
On crying )

Last night was the Resident's Ball. Was rather looking forward to it, along with every other girl in the hall. I mean, I had a dress already, and hell, I managed to score a date! And it was going to be great. It was amusing as hell, sitting around watching the girls get ready. Kate and Kirsti did the hair styling for most the girls. And Victoria was doing make-up for people. And the girls were being girly and vastly amusing a moi. It took maybe ten minutes for me to get ready.
Mostly I had a good night. But I could have kicked Adrian if only I'd been more angry. I felt so mellow and unaffected, but still hurt. And had a fun time despite it.
We all headed down to the bus stop--I hadn't heard from Adrian so I figured I would see him there at the v. least--to catch the first bus at 7. And we get to the Awapuni Raceway, and get through with all the coat checks, pictures, bathroom runs, and have drinks and our chairs set up for a good view to watch the rugby. Yes, the first 80 minutes most everyone was sitting or standing around focused on the TV for the game. Which, yay, the All Blacks won.
But I got ditched by Adrian. Something about how he found out a couple days ago that he got into the navy and would be leaving in a few weeks. Because, y'know, it's impossible to just have a good time together until then or something. And he just wanted to have a few drinks with his mates. I couldn't even find it in myself to get angry. Had a moment of weakness when he left me to my own devices and a bout of involuntary tears decided to have fun. Gah. Took a bit, but once I got past the worst of it I went off to find the girls again and have a good night with them.
And I did have a good time anyway. Even went into town for a couple of hours with Shan at about 12:30ish. These girls in the line to Highflyers bought me a rose from this lady selling them after they heard how I got ditched. And Shan bought me one as well. So I've got two roses in a mug of water in my room. They're a bit beat up, having been in my possession as I danced in Highflyers and in this other place where Shan's friends had been. One of those friends, Shan and I went off to Subway, missed the 2:30 bus, and ended up catching a taxi home... just barely beating Annalise, Victoria, Kate and Sarah coming back from town as well.

And now, on to more interesting memes!

The Rules
First, write down the names of 12 characters. Then read and answer the questions. You can't look at the questions (or click on the cut) until you write down the 12 characters you're going to use.

01. Linden Rathan
02. Min
03. Kahlan Amnell
04. Legolas Greenleaf
05. Azirphale
06. Regulus Black
07. Karigan G'ladheon
08. Robinton
09. Selendrile
10. Muggles
11. Marius
12. Aubery

(I love how I managed to not repeat a single fandom)

And you click this once you have your twelve )

I've been so tired today. I was talking to mum and I kept making typos or missing words entirely. I was thinking complete sentences, but they weren't being typed as such. She's sent me a parcel (containing pretty lingerie, yay!) that will arrive soon hopefully.
In a discussion in [livejournal.com profile] support_hp about finding people reminding you of a particular character, and I mentioned this: "There's also this Asian kid, who has spiky black hair and glasses, that gives me James vibes. The only thing I hate is one time I was sitting next to him in the computer lab, and he continuously jiggled his leg, and the sound of his pants rubbing was really annoying." which gave [livejournal.com profile] simple__man this bunny: "There's a fic in that, the annoyance of James' pants rubbing driving Remus to DISTRACTION in the library..."
And now I want to write it.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Moony)
Watched a weird movie last night. Shadow of a Vampire. It made me laugh. And think of Matt, because I'm pretty sure I've seen Matt make those expressions before, in those poses. In fact, I'm pretty sure he told me about the movie, on more than one occasion, and I just wasn't paying close attention.
*blinks* I wasn't sure if I'd spelt occasion right, so I did the spell check, and it seems to think 've' from I've and 'wasn' from wasn't are mispelled words. Weird.
Daylight Savings. Had to put my clocks back an hour. Nearly forgot. But didn't.
Talked with mum last night. She was being very persistent. She had this intuitive feeling that I wasn't sure about this whole vet thing. And the truth is, no matter what, I want to work with animals, but I'm not entirely sure it will be in the capacity of a vet. I'm just... I don't think I'm going to make it through selection. And I'm not the least bit worried about that. Because really, I've had that Plan B: zoologist thing in the background... and it's starting to sound a lot more intriguing.
Also, didn't mention this to mum, but I'm feeling remarkably friendless here. I mean, I talk with the girls, and get along with a few of the boys from Bindaloe, and say hi to a girl or two from other halls, but none of them really scream 'friend'. I sit alone more often than not at lectures, because the other girls in the vet program already seem to be paired up, or have other friends to hang out with. I share a lot of labs with the same people, but we don't seem to get lost in conversation, or the like, when we're not doing our work.
I feel rather disconnected from them, because we don't share the same interests. Hell, no one here really shares the whole 'evil is fun and cool' thing. Screw trying to talk VC with them. LoTR leads only to talk of lust (which, is nice, but rather superficial). I'm not even sure if they know what fanfictions are. The longest conversation I've had with anyone here was the first night when I talked with Giles until three in the morning. Or possibly on the shopping trips with Came, but she's almost always with Annalise. There's no one who's just come along to hang out with me in my room for a while, chatting or maybe watching TV. It gets very lonely sometimes.
A lot, actually.
Of course I wonder if they talk about me when I'm not around (I hope not). I wonder what it is that makes them (seem to be) so reserved around me. I always feel like I'm intruding on some conversation, that I'm missing the inside joke (let me in, cried the wolf).
They're into more chick flicks than I can stand, like different music, perve different guys for different reasons, hang out more, and generally seem more bonded. I suppose I could say something Elyshia, about how I feel alone, but I don't want to whine. I don't want them to include me out of pity.

Fin.

PMSed out

Sep. 21st, 2004 07:50 pm
xans: Xans (Bloom One Ring)






That's just some of the fun I had today. I also cried for no reason, and am currently feeling very sadistic. A baseball bat seems a very appealing weapon of choice...

Fin.

Go away.

Jul. 19th, 2004 06:09 pm
xans: Xans (Xanthia)
I wish she would just leave me alone. I got the "you need to get a job" lecture for the second time today. I don't know how I manage not to yell at her to shut up and leave me alone. I KNOW I need a job, damnit. I may not say anything, I may not appear to by trying, but I am. As if I need to hear again that I'm no longer a dependent, and that if Gary doesn't get to keep his job we'll be in too tight a spot and that she's worked two jobs for too long...
It doesn't help me to try and scare me into doing more. It stresses me out. I don't want to be stressed out, which is why I've backed off and out and away and whatever to get her to leave me alone. I don't want to hear from her what I already tell myself. All I get shown is a problem, and not a solution. She tells me she'll help me with this or that facet, and then she forgets.
So what if I'm not rushing to highlight every possible job in the classifieds? So what if I haven't told her what I have been doing? I don't want to talk about it, because whatever she tells me then only makes me depressed and stressed.
Just leave me alone.

Wtf?

May. 19th, 2004 06:50 pm
xans: Xans (Elf)
My mother is the one pressuring me to go looking for jobs (in areas I don't have skills in!) and to get more info about uni, asks me if I'm stressed about finishing school, and doesn't even think that maybe my stress, if I have any, is because of how she speaks to me.
Food makes me feel sick.

Fin.
xans: Xans (Default)
I'm feeling kind of down. I think it's probably just my hormones fucking with me all over again. So I guess it's just time to lie back, play the sad music, and get over it. Until then, my darlings... you're in my heart always.

Fin.

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