xans

Warning: run-on sentences ahoy. Excuse me while I be all emo and shit.

This is so stupid. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is PMS-related, and possibly self-inflicted-stress related, but here I am on a lovely Sunday morning, crying and feeling utterly inadequate. And it's stupid, because I have a good life. Sure there is room for improvement, and the stress is due to my being a terrible procrastinator, but generally... I have a loving fiancé, and adorable cat, and I get to live in a big house by the beach all year long.

I don't have any friends here. While I'm not a social butterfly, the fact is that outside of Alan, his son & son's new gf, I don't gt a lot of social interaction outside of online. And I just feel kind of useless, that I have a sort of social phobia that makes it hard for me to generate contacts and friendship in person. It's not even like my first year of uni where I lived in a hall of 12 girls and not a single one was my friend. I like my housemates... ok, I love Alan and tolerate Joe and don't know Kayla all that well yet but she seems nice enough. I just don't have anyone outside of that who lives in walking distance that I can go out and visit when I get sick of the house and crave human company that isn't Alan. I'm weird and geeky and I wouldn't know the first place to find other weird and geeky people like me to hang out with.

I even lurk a lot online, it takes a lot for me to reach out to those not in my tight circle of close online friends. It's just... I feel like the dorky kid who doesn't know how to interact with the other kids, or the weird kid who's years younger and kinda dresses shabby and follows the others around like a puppy, like I'm the kid only just now discovering the fad the other kids have been obsessing over for months, or goes on and on about something so niche the other kids have never heard of it... Fuck I spend so much time in my own headspace and I'm great fucking company but gets lonely sometimes and I try to get out of my shell and reach out to other people and I forget that just because I'm doing something that utterly terrifies me, the other person doesn't know that. It's unreasonable and irrational for me to expect them to give me the time and attention I want but I still hope and obsess and am either overjoyed (and thinking up some new trick to maintain their attention like a fucking puppy) or disappointed by the (lack of) response I get (and I can't tell them because I have to remember I'm not the fucking centre of their universe (nor should I be)).

And now here I am crying my fucking heart out because I'm PMSing and lonely and just yesterday I couldn't wait for Alan to be gone so I could rock out to my new CD. I know this feeling will pass but right the fuck now I feel inadequate and stupid for crying over this shit.

Thanks to peaseblossom03 for helping me this morning. Three hours of sleep, and I woke up to find myself in another, deeper low than before, and lying in bed with my thoughts was a Bad Plan. I'm grateful that someone (particularly someone that has dealt with depression) was online for me to talk to, even if it was more to distract me out ofmy thoughts than discuss them in detail. It's exactly what I needed, and I thank her for that (again).

I'm thinking my next course of action should be to pick some happy, upbeat music and listen to it as I take a walk, soon as the sun's up a little more. I figure I'll crash to sleep later in the day, provided the brats aren't too rambunctious. I can always take an early night, once they're gone though. But first I'll try and finish the rest of this soup.

Fin.

Today I chatted on MSN with an old friend, a friend who walked away from what we had, because it was too painful to bear, too close a reminder of what he once had, and lost. I was saddened because, despite how much he monumentally screwed up, she's okay (I'd go so far to say, she's better than okay), and her and my friendship still stands, and his and mine could have (should have, would have) carried on, so long as she was not a constant topic of conversation. (If that had been the case, I would have dropped him like third period French.)

But he made the decision, and it was he who subsequently reconnected with me on a handful of occasions since then, until, finally, now, we have spoken once again. And it's nice. He's one of my best (and damn near only) male friends. And sure, sometimes his morbid self-loathing and self-flagellation can get on my nerves. But I can and will tell him to STFU if it's getting to be too much. And we have such delightful conversations about all manner of things from various sci-fi/fantasy movies, tv shows, and books, to RPGs (he has been and always will be my DM), to history and war tactics... it's great. I've missed it, and so, he's come to realise, has he.

He's my friend, and we've had some rough patches before. But he's got nothing on the drama-llama-dactyl that pandoras_evil_t and I have been through over the years. Oh, the stories she could tell. :D

I'm glad to have my friend back, for however long it may be this time.

Fin.

pandoras_evil_t's brother attempted to off himself yesterday by overdosing on painkillers. It's an awful shock, and I'm glad he didn't succeed. I mean, while he can be a severe pain in the ass and a right bother for Ange and her mum, he's a teenage boy. They're supposed to be awfully frustrating. I remember how much I used to despise Iain. Now he's a decent human being, and we get along great.

I also gave myself a godawful headache yesterday, getting far too passionately involved with fictional characters. And the horrible shit happening to them. *weeps* The only possible explanation that I subject myself to such emotional torment over a fantasy series is that clearly I am a masochist.

Fin.

It's a bad day when I'm playing a simple game and start crying when I make one silly little mistake.

Sad music doesn't improve the mood either.

It's a bad day.

Fin.

Fuck you, Victoria. You didn't even notice it was me there. I was just another body meaning an entire table for eight was taken. Fuck you and your clique-yness that you don't even see me.

I've never felt so underestimated and underappreciated by a group of people than I am by that lot. I hate them. I hate them! Gyargh!!!!!

Fin.

It's overcast right now. The ground is wet, but it hasn't really been raining. Not anything torrential, at any rate. The weather lately has been pleasant. Sunny. Warm. I get up in the morning and open my windows to let in a breeze. Get distracted in the evenings and come home to a chilly room because I was online 'til late and handn't closed the windows and curtains. Oops. It's invariably warm in the computer labs, even with the fans going. So glad they installed those in the last month.
I hate my period for starting at such a time that my favourite pair of shorts were out of comission for a while. I hate that my sandals are all synthetic materials, so unlike leather sandals, they never break in, and leave me with sores on my feet from rubbing the skin wrong. I hate my closed shoes for giving me athlete's foot so I have to deal with that. It's a pleasure to walk around in shorts and bare feet. Except late at night when my feet are colder and more sensitive, so even slightly rough ground is uncomfortable. The old fear of slugs keeps me off the grass--even though there's nothing here like the ones back in WA. *shudders*
I'm just a little depressed right now. A little low. I feel like the other girls don't like me. I don't fit in. I wonder how much they realise I don't fit in. It's painful because they don't understand me, and they don't try to. They've got their cliques and close friendships. We can talk, but we're not friends. I miss having friends to do things with. Even if it's just watching movies. And playing the colours game. (They won't even try to learn the colours game--even though Annalise belches all the time) Playing Scum or Blewme (Bloomie? Solitaire Showdown. I saw someone playing that on MSN recently and missed our games).
I almost hate it when mum tells me what's been going on back home. Ha... home. But hearing about her and Gary and the cats, even the bloody insufferable racoons, it makes me miss it. I don't want to go back. I want to visit, but I don't want to go back. But I miss my friends and all that, too.
I need to remember to ask mum to get me some more knee high striped socks for Christmas. My red and white ones have got holes in the heels now. Sad.
Another reason I'd love to visit...

Last night I was chatting with Matt. Or rather, role-playing. It was rather spur of the moment. It was going by his idea of the chocaholic Myrdraal, and I was playing off of that. Already I've been trying to think of what my character looks like, where she must be from, and where she's been that she knows what she knows. I will have to further question Matt about any limitations as to what my character can do/be/know. Trying to refrain of Sue-dom. But it was very Wheel of Time. And so much fun. Especially when I began separating my thoughts from my character's thoughts.
Her name's Andra Liernan. I haven't figured her age. From clues from Matt, she must be rather attractive--after all, the two innkeeper's sons were both chasing after her mighty quick (and he was making pointed references to THEIR good looks and muscles, etc. oh, the drama!). Somehow she's made friends with a Myrdraal, her hidden protecter--who works for chocolate. Whee! In my mind I see her as someone with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Not pale, more olive skinned. On the shorter end of tall. Not dressed flamboyantly, but has wealth and probably appears to be maybe upper merchant class, or hell, she could possibly pass for low-ranking nobility.
We started out in Tel'aran'rhiod, the World of Dreams. So, with a bit of deft manipulation of said world, she carries a fair amound of wealth, as well as chocolate, and "necessities" which I left unspecified. At least one spare dress. :P And an overcoat. That's all I've got so far. Haven't thought of whether she has any other weapons beyond a knife. I haven't even decided if she has any weapon proficiency. I'll probably ask Matt if we're hammering out more stats and such.
It was fun to play and have backstory ideas come to me randomly. She started out as nothing. A nameless woman of unknowns. And they just began forming. It was great! And then, the honour of honours in my books: Matt asked if, whenever I visit in the States, we can play a WoT campaign with Andra and Derun'shael (a.k.a. the Stricken One a.k.a. Daryn) being NPCs. And that? That would be brilliant. I would love so much for the other players to meet these two... and then afterwards learn of their origins.

Fin.

Watched a weird movie last night. Shadow of a Vampire. It made me laugh. And think of Matt, because I'm pretty sure I've seen Matt make those expressions before, in those poses. In fact, I'm pretty sure he told me about the movie, on more than one occasion, and I just wasn't paying close attention.
*blinks* I wasn't sure if I'd spelt occasion right, so I did the spell check, and it seems to think 've' from I've and 'wasn' from wasn't are mispelled words. Weird.
Daylight Savings. Had to put my clocks back an hour. Nearly forgot. But didn't.
Talked with mum last night. She was being very persistent. She had this intuitive feeling that I wasn't sure about this whole vet thing. And the truth is, no matter what, I want to work with animals, but I'm not entirely sure it will be in the capacity of a vet. I'm just... I don't think I'm going to make it through selection. And I'm not the least bit worried about that. Because really, I've had that Plan B: zoologist thing in the background... and it's starting to sound a lot more intriguing.
Also, didn't mention this to mum, but I'm feeling remarkably friendless here. I mean, I talk with the girls, and get along with a few of the boys from Bindaloe, and say hi to a girl or two from other halls, but none of them really scream 'friend'. I sit alone more often than not at lectures, because the other girls in the vet program already seem to be paired up, or have other friends to hang out with. I share a lot of labs with the same people, but we don't seem to get lost in conversation, or the like, when we're not doing our work.
I feel rather disconnected from them, because we don't share the same interests. Hell, no one here really shares the whole 'evil is fun and cool' thing. Screw trying to talk VC with them. LoTR leads only to talk of lust (which, is nice, but rather superficial). I'm not even sure if they know what fanfictions are. The longest conversation I've had with anyone here was the first night when I talked with Giles until three in the morning. Or possibly on the shopping trips with Came, but she's almost always with Annalise. There's no one who's just come along to hang out with me in my room for a while, chatting or maybe watching TV. It gets very lonely sometimes.
A lot, actually.
Of course I wonder if they talk about me when I'm not around (I hope not). I wonder what it is that makes them (seem to be) so reserved around me. I always feel like I'm intruding on some conversation, that I'm missing the inside joke (let me in, cried the wolf).
They're into more chick flicks than I can stand, like different music, perve different guys for different reasons, hang out more, and generally seem more bonded. I suppose I could say something Elyshia, about how I feel alone, but I don't want to whine. I don't want them to include me out of pity.

Fin.

I wish she would just leave me alone. I got the "you need to get a job" lecture for the second time today. I don't know how I manage not to yell at her to shut up and leave me alone. I KNOW I need a job, damnit. I may not say anything, I may not appear to by trying, but I am. As if I need to hear again that I'm no longer a dependent, and that if Gary doesn't get to keep his job we'll be in too tight a spot and that she's worked two jobs for too long...
It doesn't help me to try and scare me into doing more. It stresses me out. I don't want to be stressed out, which is why I've backed off and out and away and whatever to get her to leave me alone. I don't want to hear from her what I already tell myself. All I get shown is a problem, and not a solution. She tells me she'll help me with this or that facet, and then she forgets.
So what if I'm not rushing to highlight every possible job in the classifieds? So what if I haven't told her what I have been doing? I don't want to talk about it, because whatever she tells me then only makes me depressed and stressed.
Just leave me alone.

I'm feeling kind of down. I think it's probably just my hormones fucking with me all over again. So I guess it's just time to lie back, play the sad music, and get over it. Until then, my darlings... you're in my heart always.

Fin.