xans: Xans (Merlin's Balls)
What should you do if you man walks out?
Shut the door behind him.

What should you do if you see your ex rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

What have you got if you have 100 men buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
One, if you slice him thinly enough.

How do you stop a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How do you stop a man from spitting?
Turn down the grill.

How can you tell a guy's well-hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp instrument.

What does it mean when the man in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Recently I paid a visit to Urban Dictionary because I was confused as to what "YMMV" meant. And then I threw in a couple other words just to see what the defintion was, if there was one. One of them was "Metallicar" which is the fan-assigned name of the oh-so-lovely car Sam and Dean have in Supernatural. I was amused about part of the definition, concerning real fangirls and the episode "Devil's Trap" (that I haven't seen, but I know about), what was this:

*After the ending of Devil's Trap*

FakeDitzyFangirl 1: Ahhhh! Sam!
FakeDitzyFangirl 2: Ahhhh! Dean!
RealFangirl 3: Noooooooo! The Metallicar

I suspect I belong to category 3, because we all know what is important and irreplaceable. *nods*

...Dude, I think a rat is setting up shop in my flatmate's closet. I heard scratching and I'm sure it was the pitter patter of not so small claws of a rat, as opposed to a wee mousie. But I didn't see anything, so I can't be sure.

And yet more links:
Truth Surprises -Actually, the thud was kinda fun, as long as the impact left you conscious. Sheppard/Beckett porn.

Not Going Anywhere -John wakes up, and he can't see, or hear. He tries not to panic, and there are those there to help him.

Running on Empty -John and Rodney are implanted with Wraith trackers and placed separately on an alien world to act as runners for the Wraith's amusement. As the story switches between John and Rodney we see a John who doesn't remember anything about who he is but still deals with his problems in a very John way and a panicked Rodney who is all too aware of his own abilities and lack thereof.

Long Road Home -"Great, now I'm on a first-name basis with illegal aliens," McKay groaned. "I am officially the worst border agent ever." An illegal immigrant, an emotionally and physically damaged veteran, and a border patrol agent who hates his job... maybe they were destined to be friends in any universe.


L m a o

Apr. 4th, 2007 05:37 pm
xans: Xans (Abby & Gibbs)
Reading [livejournal.com profile] thesimpleman's answers to a 100 question (or is it 99, since #44 is missing) survey. And cracking up at some of the answers. Possibly way too amused over this one:

83. Thought about running away?
I Did that once as a kid. I took my legos.

I have my priorities, dammit.

Oh, Judah. If I ever run away, I will take my legos and think of you. :D

xans: Xans (Battles)

We won't even go into the rest of the comedy gold going on in that metaquotes entry. Just... hee!

xans: Xans (Hee!)
From [livejournal.com profile] officialgaiman, on whether he has to say he likes an adaptation of his books to film:
I think if I didn't like something I'd probably take the Thumper (from Bambi) option and not say anything, unless I felt the world needed to be warned, and then I'd have to choose my words carefully, unless I really really felt the world needed to be warned, in which case I'd warn everyone as best I could, probably standing out by the entrance to the freeway shouting "Don't go and see the Anansi Boys film! They've made them all rabbits! It's now a caper movie set in a chocolate factory!" at the uncaring people driving past.

Well, uh, because we definitely don't want to see Neil standing by the side of the freeway... Let's make a pledge to never ever make such a horrible adaptation. *nods*

In other news, I'm rather looking forward to the adaptation of Stardust, whenever the hell it comes out.

xans: Xans ("Oh Snap!")
OH THE BEEMANITY *dies* Oh, this is such a thing of beauty. I cannot help but giggle every time I look through it again. Hee.

In other news, um, several months back I left a post for that Five Things meme, and, while I did most of the prompts, there's a couple I didn't. *wince*

From [livejournal.com profile] d_e_l_i_r_i_u_m (my god that's a pain to type out, darlin'), who was just messing with me, I got these two prompts...

HP/Sandman crossover )

Discworld )

And from [livejournal.com profile] pandoras_evil_t (who is rather ill, I'm so very sorry sweetie), I got this one...

House MD )

Once again, I'm asking for prompts, picking from common fandoms which you can find listed on my info page. I make no promises of actually writing them, but I can't say I won't try.

You post a couple of five things topics, lists, categories, whatever, in my comments section. (examples: "Five Phrases Batman Will Never Say", or "Five Things Dean Will Never, Ever Tell Sam", or "Five Times That Jeeves Was Caught Unprepared") Then, in a separate post, eventually, I'll post the answers to some of your Top 5 ideas, according to me. Serious or fun! Then you post this offer in your own journal, if the mood takes you.

The other meme, if you feel like it, is to post a fandom and five words, and I'll try to write a drabble about it.

xans: Xans (Hee!)
There was this billboard for Waikato draft, the one by the Wharehouse in Hilcrest, and it was really strange when I took a moment to actually read it. One side says: "Honking the horn," and in smaller text, "Our courting." It took me a little thinking to get it, but, sadly, it is true. I go for walks often, and, particularly when I'm dressed nice, but even when I'm not, there is many a time when I get honked at by some passing car. Because our boys don't seem to have ever seen women before, or something.

Anyway, I just got emailed this in a fwd from my mum:

*snicker* Good beer, that.

xans: Xans (Inner Squint)
*giggles like a mad thing*

In AD 2005...
"All your feeding grounds are belong to us."

Oh, I love me some geekery liek whoa.



Jan. 31st, 2007 06:42 pm
xans: Xans (Jayne Sun)
Looking up weird random things like wtf is Jericho, and some way to figure out the general dimensions of both a Stargate and a Puddle Jumper, because my mind demands more specifics... and somehow stumble upon Firefly Life's Lessons. Shiny. If I can just have that poster for my bedroom wall, now...

Also, never thought it'd be possible to have too much cheese, but... too much cheese I did, indeed, have. Might have helped if I'd had some crackers or something, anything, to go with. I didn't think that far ahead, though. And...ugh. Too much cheese.

I should go hang out with Ange. Watch more Stargate. Help her get past any upsets and issues she's holding in.

xans: Xans (Mumbling)
I was telling [livejournal.com profile] pandoras_evil_t about this recently, hence, finally remembering to post it.

Bibles should come with warning signs )

On a slightly more off-colour bend, there's, heh, always this picture:

Babies. MMM. )


xans: Xans (Mumbling)
So work started up at the Christmast tree place last weekend, but thanks to weather and it still being November, business was pretty slack and I basically got paid for doing very little. In fact, I'm not sure I didn't cut my first tree for the year until Thursday. Yeah, Thursday.

THIS weekend on the otherhand, was v. v. busy. We sold 230 trees on Saturday (first Saturday of December last year, we sold 130.) and 140 trees yesterday. It was all out. I am, to say the least, a trifle exhausted. But I have tomorrow and Wednesday to recover.

I was down to 17c of credit on my phone, so last night after work I rushed to the dairy with some of my first week's pay to put some money on my phone and buy some chocolate. Then I texted Ange about coming around to watch CSI Miami and Numb3rs to make fun of Horatio and perve the Eppes brothers. It was all good. We drank wine and all that.

*laughs* I'd brought around my Black Books DVDs a week or so ago to introduce Ange and Damo to that particular brand of amusement... and there is a new addition to their collection of DVDs now as Damian promptly went out and bought their own copy of the entire series. Hehe.

Came home from work today, forgetting completely that it's Monday and that my (step?) neice Amarah and nephew Izayah would be here while their parents went and played tennis. But it was pretty sweet. Amarah was shy of me at first, as usual, but she warmed up pretty quick. It was really funny after my shower and I was combing my hair, and she sat there with her little hair brush copying my moves. Not to mention before that, at dinner, I stole Dad's plate while he was distracted by Izayah, so Suzy and I could pretend we were going to eat the last of his pie. Suzy and I looked over to see Amarah trying to pick up Izayah's plate to mimic my actions of putting it up by Suzy.

She is the cutest little thing. For whatever reason, she's developed some attachment to my glasses case, because she's gone into my room two or three times to retrieve it from my nightstand. I don't mind, I just don't understand why she feels the need to pick it up.

I didn't have the time, but I should have asked Carla when she and Gene came to pick up the kids, about giving me a haircut. I just had a huge battle of untangling it (resolving in the form of a fucking huge hairball, no noticeable hair-loss on my part, and a shitload of frizz) and I'd really, really like to cut it short again. It hasn't grown at all since I had it trimmed in August, at least, I don't think it has, and I may very well have reached the limit my hair will grow to, as it prefers to be extroadinarily thick rather than a great, great length. No matter. I'd like it above my shoulders again. I'll ask Carla about it later, I s'pose.

I also wanted to straighten my hair, tomorrow maybe, but it looks as if the weather is refusing the cooperate. A fucking brilliant weekend of sunshine, and the two days I get off and it's going to fucking rain. Gods be damned. Eh, bien. Some other time, I'm sure. It'll be a piece of cake if I get my hair cut, though, yeah? 1 & 1/2 hours shaved down to, probably not more than half an hour or so. I should think. That would be brilliant.

I have no fucking clue what to get anybody for Christmas. Except a fake engagement ring for Ange. Other than that? No idea. Am thinking about participating in the Christmas Card Exchange Meme, but, at the same time, don't know if/when I'll have the time & energy to get my shit together. So it might be best if I just sit back this year...I don't want to disappoint anyone.

xans: Xans (C-word)
It's crashed on me three times today. Stupid thing.

Dad found a couple old sheets of stickers. It's Trolls. Remember the litlte troll figurines? And the ones with jewels on their bellies? Yeah, those cute/ugly little things.

Talked to my mother. It's snowing. My Godmother is over visiting at the moment and she was so excited. She's not seen snow or anything. She picked the perfect time to visit the States, really. Got to gorge on Thanksgiving dinner and everything.

We didn't have one here. Although dad did make a pumpkin pie. Oh, and an apple crumble for me and Andrew 'cause I don't like pumpkin pie and Andrew's got major dairy allergies. Andrew brought over a marshmallow cake, but I don't like it very much. Or not at all.

Have v-neck sunburn 'cause I'm le idiot. It was like, the one part--no, no, my hand is sunburned too I think--still, the few bits of skin showing yesterday and they got burned. Fucking hell. *wears sunscreen*

Went over to Andrea's last night. We had a very nice dinner. Drank wine. Watched Black Books episodes until 8:30. Then Andrea laughed as I yelled at the tv and mocked Horatio Caine. And then we watched Numb3rs. The pair of us melted when Larry asked Megan out. It was geekily sweet.

Am thinking about doing something special on the 15th of January. That will be my half-birthday. I didn't do anything spectacular for my 21st, so maybe I should do something then. As well as celebrating Ange's 21st in Feb. We're going to get so very drunk, I can imagine.

Switched in a bunch of new icons again. Quel surprise.


Fuck it.

Oct. 26th, 2006 02:38 pm
xans: Xans (Rule the world)
Read these 6-word short stories and mebbe join the comment spam.

/le dork

xans: Xans (Jayne)
It is a beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous day out there. Sososososos v. nice. So why'm I here? Why am I not out basking in the sunlight, dressed as I am? (knee high socks, schoolgirl pleated skirt, purply-pink tube top, y'know, skank that I am) Well, I'm here to inform [livejournal.com profile] shiseiji that the parcel arrived Monday, I didn't find out 'til Tuesday, and didn't get to pick it up until today, Thursday. But zomg zomg. Sugar rush already. Aaaaand yeah. Love, much love. :D

Anyway, you know when you're talking about something, and your mouth just takes over and says something you didn't mean to say? And I don't mean, you suddenly offer a blunt opinion that upsets someone, but like, you mess up your words or have a case of spoonerisms. Happened the other day, Friday, I was at Grant's and somehow it came up that, slim as we both were, my wide hips were good at taking up a lot of the space. (I may not have [livejournal.com profile] shiseiji's gigantic birthing hips, but they're wide enough, that's for sure) Well, Grant went to say, "Wide hips" but it came out "Wild hips." Funny enough on its own...

It just gave me this hilarious visual of a bunch of bare hips grazing on a plain. They'd just be plodding along in their herds, 'til someone came along to rustle some up or something... then there'd be panic, and these stampeding wild hips... it was a funny visual, anywho.

Yesterday I was all geared up not to see Grant, 'cause he'd sent a text saying he was tired and planned to sleep. But then, my cellphone was on its charger so I didn't get the next text saying he couldn't sleep, he was going into town, and did I want to come over for pizza later? Instead he found me in the library, and we wandered around for a wee bit, enjoying the lovely, lovely sunshine. Then we went up and passed the time for a while, until it was time to make the pizza.

It was kind of a gourmet style pizza. Aside from the necessary tomato paste and cheese, there was onions, salami, capsicum, olives, feta cheese, anchovies (I discovered they're not all that bad, but I wouldn't wanna overdo 'em), and these things, these other things that I can't remember what they're called, but they're supposed to be good and I think I plain did not notice them. But it was a v. nice pizza that we ate while watching the news.

We actually watched a lot of tv, spent the most amount of time in the living room we ever have, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the Simpsons, Scrubs, SVU, and Green Wing. All in all, good stuff.

Oh, oh, it was so funny; Grant and I stopped by where I'm staying so I could grab a couple things (some CDs for him to listen to, I meant to grab my phone off the charger and forgot, and my jacket so I wouldn't freeze when I walked home), and as I was heading back downstairs Glenn came out from the back room.

I smiled--no, I think I rather smirked--at him, so he asked, rather paranoid, "What?" and I laughed.

"What have you been up to?" he demanded.

"It's not what I've been up to," I replied, "but more what I'm about to get up to!"

He swore and I walked out under a tirade of, "Oi, no one said you could leave. Where are you going? Get back in here!"

(Don't worry, he wasn't serious, just jealous at the mere suggestion someone's getting laid when he is not)

Besides, that was more than enough revenge for the stunt he pulled yesterday morning. Back on Tuesday, I very generously cooked him dinner (what the hey, I'll play domestic goddess when I've got so much bourbon from him) and we also watched the DVD of Wes Craven's "Cursed" with Christina Ricci and Josh Jackson. While utterly predictable, it was fucking hilarious. Anyway, afer the movie I pleaded sleepiness and went to bed. I didn't have a hangover yesterday or anything--I've only had one or two ever thanks to Absolut Vodka--I just had a hard time waking up, and I was in a sort of not-ready-to-face-the-world-grunt-my-answers mood. I'd be better once I'd had my coffee and breakfast.

Well he and the Other Grant apparently got up when the birds did or some shit 'cause they were already up when I stumbled down. I was making my coffee when they walked into the kitchen. "You look like shit!" Glenn told me not unkindly. "I'm not awake yet," I responded. He walked past me, and the next thing I know, I'm flinching back 'cause I looked over in time to see him banging to pots right next to my head.

"Fuck!" was all I could say while they laughed at me. Bastards.

Oh, rather amusing email from my cousin John. He's a cop in Colorado, and I get the occasional narrative from him about some interesting event or another. he's a cool cousin.

Subject: Stroker Ace )

xans: Xans (Whiskey Tango Foxtrot)
Still got two Vox invites going, if anyone wants 'em or knows someone who wants one. If, y'know, you're bored or something. *shrugs*

I just have to say right now I'd enver watch CSI: Miami were it not for the comedy value. Not that they're trying to be funny, but I laugh at them anyway. Particularly Horatio. He never does anything worthwhile.

Am tempted to make another poll. Mebbe. But don't get your hopes up.

xans: Xans (Boromir)
Okay, so I haven't exactly seen the movie, but I can't help but love this qoute from Serenity:

Kaylee: Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
Mal: Oh, God! I can't *know* that!
Jayne: I could stand to hear a little more.


xans: Xans (Hand)
Purina Diet

I have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
*is easily amused*

For some reason I seem to like making a typo so that I spell my name JHana or HJana. Which... is weird, somewhat amusing, and I try not to read into just what my subconscious could be trying to tell me. I think it just likes making me type weird shit.

Is it just me or is everything lagging today? It's probably just me. Eh, bien. How's your day?

xans: Xans (Snap)
And hidden behind a cut, for the sake of your flist )

Got bored enough to switch in new icons. I am being fickle with them of late. It is awfully tempting to upgrade to a sponsored+ account for extra iconage and such, but then... I don't wanna have to put up with the ads. When I am no longer a poor and starving student...I'll be poor and starving 'cause I spend my money on all the gimmics and doodads I couldn't afford before. :P

xans: Xans (Porno)
Can't eat beef ... Mad Cow
Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella
Can't eat pork ... trichinosis
Can't eat fish ... Mercury and other heavy metals
Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides


I believe that leaves Chocolate!

Oh that was a cute fwd to show up in my inbox.
So I was in the library last night, just reading a book before I visited the group at Rowena's. And I was enjoying the book, but at the same time I kept thinking, "I should go, I should go, I'm gonna be there really late if I wait 'til I finish this book." Finally, I put the book down and head to Rowena's.
And I'm walking along Courtney Place, which has quite the crowd. Even for a Tuesday night that place doesn't lack for people out on the town. So, I'm walking, wondering who'll be at Rowena's, or if it will be dead, and I noticed there was someone walking some ways ahead of me, and all I can see is the back of his head. It could have been a her, with the hair being shoulder length, but it made me think of Darren. But it couldn't possibly be Darren. Darren left with Party Mike weeks ago. He's miles away.
...isn't he?
I couldn't figure out who he was walking with. But that head of hair looked like Darren's. And he had glasses. I figured, at least, I could have a glance when I caught up. Well, just as I caught up, they happened to stop. I recognised his companion; it was Julian a.k.a. Trout (as opposed to French Julien). And it really was Darren.
Nobody told me he was back!!!!!
Okay, he just got back Monday, but still. It was really cool to run into him there, because otherwise I wouldn't have seen him before the weekend. He wasn't even going to be around for the weekend, except everyone's remembered the huge fuss Aston's made over St. George's Day. Gotta be around for that. AND it's Milan's last weekend--he and Aston leave on Monday. (Aston gets back from the South Islan on Thursday) And I guess Darren will leave after the weekend as well.
Anyway, chatted with Darren and Julian for a bit, then went to the hostel. Talked to Brian, and Conor when she showed up. Then Conor left to hang out with Paul at his work. I got distracted watching House, but then I joined the lads in the dining room until 11 something.
And what do you know, I was heading back to the train station, along Courtney Place, and I ran into Darren and Julian again. So we chatted some more. Tried to figure out who was stalking whom. They'd just watched Keeping Mum. I might have gone to see it with them except it's the old, "I can't afford the movies if I want booze for the weekend" type deal. And I do want to drink this weekend.
I lost my watch somewhere during the night.
There was a Rolling Stones concert last night... could hear it halfway across town practically. By the time I left Darren and Julian, the concert had ended. I found myself walking against the crowd as I headed to the train station. It was full of people. Kind of funny given the time of night, and it was busier than rush hour (I felt really sorry for the ladies in line to the toilets... it was a very long line).
I haven't eaten all my Easter chocolate yet. Tempting, but I haven't. A good reason to come into town, even though I'm on "study" break... to keep from eating all the chocolate. That, and I finally got to read "...And then he ate my boy entrancers." Which is the sixth Georgia Nicolson book, and the only one I don't currently own.

xans: Xans (Bitchcakes)
The following are different answers given by young school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

xans: Xans (WTF)
1 Tattoo (vokda and cranberry)
1 shot B52 (half coffee liquer half orang liquer)
1 Vivo (vodka feijoa and apple)
1 shot B52
1 Mudshake (err... coffee and some alcocoal, [livejournal.com profile] pandoras_evil_t might be able to tell you)
1 Vivo
1 shot B52
1 gin and tonic with a twist of lemon

pshhhed much? ver, ver muych so. Like totally.

I'm talking to some ex of Iain's on his screenname. He rname is Cindy and she was with him way back when I was with the Smurf. that's Chris. Bloody hell. So much for crashing after The Mexican. it's the night for Brad Pitt on tv2 apparently, 'cause I'm sure he's the voice for Sinbad which was on before. I only caught the tail end and it must ahvebeen him. Could look in imdb if I was less pissed.


could almost make a pass at lj dj except I totally lack at the funny. Alas and alack. And lawks.


Edit: hahaha I mean [livejournal.com profile] ljdq. Get if cufking right roman! lman... okay, beddtime methinks. night night y'all.

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