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The International Wenches Guild

Do men require an "adjustment" after kissing you?
Is your tongue registered as a precision surgical instrument?
Have you been accused of smuggling melons across state lines?
Do you really know what a sponge is for?
Was "Soak a Bloke" considered your time off?
Do you think it's wise to use ice cubes and menthol together?
Is whipped cream more than just a dessert topping?
Do men lose the power of speech when you adjust your bodice or breath deeply?
Are you vertically challenged but horizontally gifted?
Do you like to play with your food?
When removing your bra on Monday, do you find enough loose change to buy breakfast?

If you answered any 3 of the questions above with an "ohh yeah," then you are obviously a woman of distinction, a product of excellent breeding, possessed of stunning (if not vaguely dubious) talents and appetites and clearly belong in the International Wenches Guild.

For instance, A True Wench should
...remember that all men are created surplus.
...be able to procure alcohol or funds at any given moment.
...never suffer from an empty cup or have to pay for it.
...be proficient enough in neck biting so as to disable at least one (1) whole side of a man's body.
...maintain a repetoire of at least three (3) Dirty Ballads with which to sing for her supper.
...be willing and able to prove the authenticity of her hair color anytime, anywhere.
...when walking, have the flexibility, when wearing a studded hip belt, to put out an eye.
...realize that, when lacing a bodice, if she can still breathe, it's not tight enough.
...be known to and easily recognized by every Rose Girl and Alekeep on a Faire site.
...be able to interrupt a scripted scene simply by the way she eats or breaths.
...maintain at least the illusion that she can "raise the dead," metaphorically speaking.
...be able to cause mustache growth on a 10-year-old Boy Scout with a "wubby."
...know how to polish a sword so as to keep resulting patron drool from pitting the steel.
...strive to create an interesting pattern in her bodice tan without undue stinging or particular indignity.
...have no problem changing her wardrobe in a busy parking lot.
...master the technique of removing the whipped cream from a rose without damaging the petals.
...know all the right animal noises.

The Wenches Guild is a loose (not necessarily literally) yet powerful confederation of women like you who all share the same universal beliefs that in a more politically correct time would be considered almost sexist, yet at a Renaissance Festival, are quite accepted and almost encouraged. If you join the Wenches Guild, not only will you be part of a growing sisterhood devoted to torturing men in the nicest of ways, but you will receive the official Wench Guild pin, The Little Brown Book (the guild guide book filled with amusing facts, ideas, rules, recipes & songs), a License to Wench (suitable for framing), a Membership Card noting your Guild rank and a small stack of Guild Free Kiss Cards to share with those who deserve your attentions. If you walk the Walk and talk the Talk, then join the Guild that says it's okay to be bawdy and rock out, Sister!

Fin.