xans | Entries tagged with depression

This is a conversation I had with my ex, Jason, yesterday. It's a bit long, but I felt like posting it in all its entirety because I got several good insults in there. Especially once the topic moved onto how he was doing. Don't ask me why I haven't blocked him yet, because I couldn't tell you. Well, maybe it's so I can talk to him, and then tell Brie about it so she feels better about herself because no matter how depressed she feels she isn't him. You know how that is.

( Die, Jason, Die! )

There's just something about him being depressed that doesn't evoke my sympathy. Most of my friends have my sympathy, compassion, and love. Not him. I just want to beat the shit out of him.

Fin.

( Hide the results from your beautiful eyes )

I felt sick again today. About the same time in the afternoon as I felt sick last Monday. I wondered about that. But then I fell asleep, until mum woke me up for dinner. I just wasted another afternoon--and I won't be able to get to sleep tonight.
I hate it when I do that. I just... I prefer to sleep in the afternoon, and then spend hours up doing less active things before sleeping the small hours away. Then, I get up and do all the active things in the morning. Blah.
This means I didn't do the homework for any of my classes. I didn't do the review for my physics test, or the stuff for my FST quiz. I didn't do the assignment for American Lit. II. I feel kind of bad about wasting the afternoon like that.
Strange how this is... the last few days I've been on a natural high, and then all of a sudden I'm into a low. It sucks. Takes my energy away. Takes my motivation to talk to him away. But I've been steeling myself up to do it for some time. I need to do it... but damn I just about forget why.

Fin.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Wtf?

I know I just made an entry but...
My ex, Jason, just IMed me. He's just had his heart broken. And his life is pretty shitty. And he's come to me to talk about it.
Bloody hell!
Oh FUCK! He's a cutter, too.

Fin.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: I'mma beat him.

I have this general feeling of being down. I don't know what set it off. It's as if I've failed someone somehow. But I cannot say who, nor how.

Fin.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Where have I gone wrong?

Entries found for dissatisfied.
adj.

Feeling or exhibiting a lack of contentment or satisfaction.

To render unsatisfied or discontented; to excite uneasiness in by frustrating wishes or expectations; to displease by the want of something requisite; as, to be dissatisfied with one's fortune.

In a state of sulky dissatisfaction

Entries found for dissatisfaction.
n.

The state of being dissatisfied, unsatisfied, or discontented; uneasiness proceeding from the want of gratification, or from disappointed wishes and expectations.

The condition or feeling of being displeased or unsatisfied; discontent.

A cause of discontent.

Fin.

P.S. Don't worry Laura, I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Thanks for your concern though, and have fun in Florida.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Too much PMS?

I feel
like
$@#!
And I
guess I'm
not
worth
checking
Thank
you so
very much
because
it only
makes
my day
better
really
since it
has just
been going
down in
the dumps
and digging
deeper

Written in the margin of my Physics notebook, second half of the period, 02/06/04

Friday I just felt like shit. Bad night sleeping, the whole Newell has cancer thing, the bloody house thing... fortunately, the bloody house thing is over.
We got the habitation permit late Friday afternoon. Moved most of my shit, and a bunch of other things in with Rhi's help. Thank you Rhi.
I'm now sitting out in the mobile home, freezing... since we're not staying it anymore, there's a window missing, the door open, and no fire. At least I got breadsticks from the Camp Union pizzaria. They are soooooo good. I hope Gary doesn't eat them all so I can have some for breakfast.
There will be more work tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it. Mum has this bad habit of packing things so, sure, she can lift it off the ground, but has she shifted it more'n a foot or two? I doubt it. And I got to carry them into the new house. Sometimes up the stairs, too. Blah.
More... some other time.

Fin.

Current Mood: full
Current Music: I almost cried when the light died

School is so intimidating. Half my classes are easy as hell, while the other half make me wish I was sick all the time. In fact, I think I'm stressed out. I found out in psychology that one of the three universial phobias of children is of failure and rejection. Well, I guess I'm not grown up. I'm scared shitless of failing.
I look into the future, and see the path I want to walk. I see myself tripping and falling off of a cliff before I take that walk. Just because I'm so damn scared of facing what's to come. For some reason, the unknown of death is less terrifying than the unknown of the rest of my life.
But I know about ripples in a pond. And that stops me. There are some ripples I need not make. Don't worry about me. I'm just fucking scared.
Coaxing a fire is kind of fun. It's annoying when there's no lighter handy, because both smokers in the family are out of the house, and don't seem to leave spare lighters about. It's not like I've ever burned the house down before. *stops, and blushes over memory* My one episode of pyromania is long done.
I think I have developed an addiction to my Wild Cherry Capri Sun. But then, we have no juice and it's nice and tangy. It's also Wild Cherry.
So Biz has a copy of New Spring, Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time prequel. When she's done I get to read it. I'm a bit confused as it shares the name of a prequel short story of his about Moiraine bonding Lan. This has Moiraine, again, but there's.... stuff. I'm not sure if I will like it.
Yeah I think that's enough out of me.

Fin.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: I don't like it at all

Such a strange acronym.
I was in the library at school too much today. Never got on the comp though. It was either to read or to take a test. A test that I thought I had done quickly until I found the questions on the back.
The others got a bit mad at me at lunch. I refused to shuffle and deal for anyone, even though I finished eating long before any of them. But I was reading! That was what they were trying to prevent.
I will not let anyone prevent me from reading The Great Hunt. It's Robert Jordan! I think I'm going to have to ask Rhianna if I can borrow The Dragon Reborn shortly. Seeing as she's making no moves to read it quickly. Jeez Rhianna!
I had advocacy. It was really hard to come up with a meaningful Christmas message for a pair of elderly women for our activity. The fact was we knew nothing about them. We tried, though, but in the end Mrs. Laughlin came up with something so much better. She's still bringing us breakfast like she promised, although she threatened not to if we didn't make an effort. But she's cool. Hope her sons get better.
I have to remember to bring my presents for people tomorrow. I have a bear for Ali, a gel candle for Jess, and another gel candle that I still haven't decided who to give it to. Ay me.
Gary is eating dinner. I'm suppose to eat I think. But I'm not hungry. *sighs* I really should eat. It isn't healthy for me to avoid food like this. I barely eat lunch or breakfast as it is. GODS! I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel like something is so very wrong with me that I don't eat. I'm deathly afraid of finding out I have an E.D. like Jess.
*cries* "Don't give up. The best is yet to come." That came from a fortune cookie.

Fin.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: *sniffles*

The weather today is positively miserable. I woke up this morning, and I was scared for a moment or two that mum had left without me. BUT, mum's not like that. Still, I got up to answer nature, and had my cat follow me back to bed. So I sat there writing up my dreams while he slept in a puddle of his drool, happy as could be. It was really cool when there was this totally random clap of thunder, scaring Sam. 'Cuz it was loud, like the strike was near Rhianna's house. That's what it felt like, anyway.
For some reason, I've been more accident prone the last few days. On Friday, as I was putting a pen back in my bag, I stabbed my finger on my scissors. Then, yesterday, as I was putting my hand against the wall to lean on it while I switched on my light, I cut my wrist on some outcropping of the wall. It didn't bleed too much, but it really hurt. Even now it feels bruised.
I had some scary thoughts that had me crying in bed last night. It shouldn't be so easy to throw so many lives out of balance by one selfish action. Yet it is, and that terrifies me to the core.
I love Irish Cream lattes. And... I got the sixth Wizard book by Diane Duane. Yayyyyy. Moving on now.
Reading Eye of the World again. Mat's started speaking the Old Tongue. Fun, lots of fun, not long now before he gets his dagger with a ruby that causes a ton of trouble. I love Mat Cauthon; he is my hero.

Catch them when they fall and they'll only start falling someday when you can't be there.

( My Destinies and What They Think of Me )

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: La.